A personal post is different for me, but I know many are going through the same things right now – wishing and hoping and working for things that, for whatever reason, we cannot or do not have yet. I believe gratitude is what covers us during that wishing/hoping/working period, but it doesn’t necessarily get rid of the bad stuff. This post discusses how to do that, and how practicing gratitude has a positive impact.

The Problem

There’s so much discussion around gratitude right now, and I’m here for it. My first deep understanding of gratitude came when I was in the midst of several injuries which resulted in hip reconstruction…it was not a happy time. I was in yoga one day, about the only exercise I could sort-of do, and the instructor read this Melody Beattie quote:

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

But here’s my problem with all the gratitude buzz – it’s one thing to write down what you’re thankful for, to talk about it, and to tell others they need to practice it.

It’s a whole other thing to be grateful when your world is falling apart.

I guess my bigger question has always been where all bad stuff goes when you’re trying to be grateful but can’t ignore the situation. And even after the storm has passed, what do you do with the rubble left in its wake? This is something I’ve reflected on so much over the past year after leaving my corporate job, after continuing to heal post hip reconstruction, and dealing with everything life throws at you on a random Monday at 2pm.

Gratitude’s Parameters

What is gratitude? For me, it’s a calm, peaceful happiness and contentment. We achieve gratitude by focusing on everything we have versus what we don’t. Simple.

Unless you’re dealing with an ongoing, negative issue, then it’s not so simple. We want to let those things go, but, at least for me, it’s difficult when I feel like there’s so much injustice. So, I’ve learned (over years and years and still learning) to decide if something is worth fighting for.

My litmus test for what’s worth fighting for is straightforward: if it impacts my family (including my pups or other humans who are practically family), my health, or my reputation, I’ll fight. Otherwise, if it’s outside of those parameters or if it’s something completely outside of my control, I try my hardest to let it go.

For example, last October I was driving under the speed limit, going through a traffic light, when someone ran his red light and hit my car. I was so angry for obvious reasons, but with my husband’s help I was able to change my thinking. He was in a similar situation a few years ago, except the other party totaled his car.

In my situation, the car wasn’t totaled AND, most importantly, the other party took complete responsibility. I was not injured. I live in a walkable city, so not having my car for a month wasn’t a huge hassle. I was able to let go of the anger, sadness and fear surrounding the accident by being grateful for how a potentially devastating incident turned out.

Circling the Drain versus Letting Go

Going over and over the wrong that was or is being done just hurts you. The two actions that get me to truly let it go are writing out all my thoughts and feelings in my personal journal – it helps me process and get perspective – or visualizing the thing burning to a crisp and the ashes floating away. And then I’m done with it. Still, sometimes the incident pops into my head like a commercial. Remember that if your brain is like a TV, you’re in control of the remote. You have the power change the channel immediately by thinking about something else and focusing on what you have to be grateful for.

If you’re dealing with a relationship issue, make amends if you can – it might just be a misunderstanding. But if not, walk away. It is so difficult to cut certain people out of your life, but think about it this way: every time you walk up to someone and say hello, she punches you in the face. Do you continue getting black eyes and a broken nose or do you stay away?

To get really personal, there was once a time not long ago when I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. Truly. I was literally being set up to fail every single day, and I didn’t see a way to make the situation work other than walking away. That’s exactly what I did. And, honestly, I’m still sad it worked out that way. My life is exponentially better, but I’m still struggling with it because I feel like a failure.

But then gratitude shows up. It might be a tiny, squeaky, little whisper, but maybe a song from your playlist lights up something in your soul. Or your dogs lay on you and look at you and you know you matter. Or your husband tells you, even when you’re in sweatpants and with morning coffee breath, that he thinks you’re beautiful and he’s proud of you.

Life is Short

Another lesson that’s hit home is to not waste precious time and energy with the life you have now on what “should” be. This doesn’t mean don’t have goals and dreams, it means, in the waiting, don’t wish away where you are right now. Because it matters and there’s something for you to learn in this moment.

I can tell you, with certainty, that if you’re content, you’re far ahead of those who have all the trappings of the “perfect” life. Still, I know you might want more (I do), and again that’s where we need to work to activate gratitude. Just because we don’t have something now doesn’t mean we won’t ever have it, so gratitude helps us in the working and the waiting while giving life meaning and purpose.

My Gratitude Challenge

My husband and I are hoping to build a home. He’s in the military where we move around often – not by choice – and we’re not sure where we’ll be living this time next year, much less after he retires. It’s impossible to make solid plans.

But gratitude has taught me to enjoy living in so many different houses so when we do build, we’ll know exactly what we want from experience (also why the above quote means so much – the part about turning a house into a home hits me hard). And I adore where we live. And the landlord just updated the washer/dryer and it’s amazing. And I wouldn’t trade all the things I’ve done and people I’ve met as a military spouse. So…there’s gratitude at work.

Gratitude is relentless work, but generating the energy to wish you have what you don’t is harder. While I’m not one to believe that if you “manifest” something enough it will happen – in other words I don’t believe the universe is Santa Claus – I do absolutely believe that we attract our focus. Here is a great article about gratitude and one on attraction from someone who’s helped me so much, Dr. Motley – follow him on Instagram @doctormotley, and check out his incredible podcast, The MOTCAST, too! He explains the science behind our emotions (and SO much more), it’s mind-blowing in the best way.

And so…

If we’re focused on what we have and what we want out of life, we’ll get there. You can join me by writing down things you’re grateful for in the next 30 days (and hopefully longer!). You can make your own gratitude journal, or another fun option is from The Shop Forward. Also, 100% of the journal’s proceeds go directly to ending he orphan cycle in Haiti.